^{issue no. 4}

hi friends!

We’ve reflected on the year so far, described how we want to live this life, and taken a look ahead at what we want to try and let go of. I figure it’s time to lean in a bit. At least I am. I’m leaning into it all.

I wanted to start this week with a question about the past. I needed to take myself there to really decide what I wanted to talk about. High school? 2020? I figured, why not somewhere in the middle + quick math: 2015 wins. Which led me straight to my Tumblr archive, I’ve been sad-posting into the ether since the beginning of time.

This photo. Oof. I had a full-on meltdown that morning. All my friends cancelled plans the night before and no one was coming to brunch. My parents stood in my room and used that moment to remind me that this revealed who my real friends were and that maybe it was time to make new ones. There are people out there who would celebrate me, I just needed to meet them.

I did eventually get out of bed and get dressed. I at least had family. That same family was planning to eat at Black Walnut in a few hours and I should probably be there.

Ten years later, things look very different. Please note: I still love brunch and my family very much. I now have my people that show up to my birthday dinner. The ones that drop everything for me on the worst day. I probably don’t say it enough so… thanks for being here.

21-year-old Raeesah would probably hide under a rock if she knew that we’re not just posting into the void but actually making people read this stuff.

[redacted].tumblr.com archive ~

Anonymous asked: I think you'd fall in love with somebody that loves you back
I sure hope so.

-raeesah (2015)

hi you (actually me),

Things do get better! You’re sad a lot, but moving does help. There will be questions, and the doctors won’t get it right the first time. You’ll take and try a lot of meds and feel like you’re losing touch with reality, but we will find our way back. The Bipolar 2 diagnosis isn’t the end of the world. The feelings will be big. People do eventually understand. Proud of you! Love you! We’ve got good things going on this side.

- with love from the future, slig

Q:

If you could send one message to your 2015 self,
what truth would you share about the years ahead?

Notes to the Past

Here’s what everyone would say to their 2015 selves:

♦ You are doing a great job. It does get better. Everything will fall into place. Just keep pushing. Continue being you but don’t be so trusting. Not everyone deserves all of your niceness. Learn to figure out who should be let in and who shouldn’t.

♦ Omg! My 2015 self had so much to learn. I wish I could tell her to trust her gut, own her power, and be much more careful about the intentions of others.

♦ Invest whatever little money I had because it would blow up in the future, big time.

♦ I think I would tell myself that life has taken us through lots of ups and downs and delivered some very heavy blows but we make it out even stronger. We find our people and our dreams end up coming true. I’d also tell myself to say yes to more things and to be more adventurous.

♦ don’t date that idiot because he will continue to hound you years later (▬ you’re safe)

♦ To really cherish moments with family and friends. Do the right thing always even if it means you have to hurt your friends in the process.

♦ There are things that at 15 I thought I’d never EVERRR accomplish. I spent 2 hours on my makeup every morning before school and smoked leftover cigarette butts in my backyard, then put them out on my arms. I felt so unlovable and ugly. I’d want her to know that she’s so so beautiful and that one day she will love that version of herself, and that there will be tons of people around her to love her and uplift her. There will be so many temporary relationships, and she will have her heart broken and her trust shattered, but she will always get through it. Also, I’d tell her to start playing pokemon earlier bc I’m struggling to learn 20 years of gaming in like the last 2 years smh.

♦ Leave in any situation that doesn’t suit you , you waste time trying to figure out if things will change just staying around places and people that’s not for you.

Got a question? Reply to this email and tell me if you want the full crew’s answers or just mine.

^{k, thanks.
love you! bye!
Sent from my sad little desktop™}